The pain just never seemed to stop. Never seemed to go away. The little girl now grown. 35 years of pain. She hid in her room at the motel her father ran. She didnt want to leave the room. She would sit in the tub and cry. Lay on the floor and cry. Lay in bed and cry. Curl up in a corner and cry. Her husband would call from NY and she would try to talk to him and he would say you made your choices and hang up on her. The man who said he loved her was no longer there. When? Where? How? Why? Why couldnt she be enough? What would it take to be pretty enough. To be good enough. To be smart enough. To be talented enough. Why couldnt she just be enough for just one person to love and want. For one person to stay. She didnt understand how he could have done this after all he had said to her. It didnt make sense. She felt very confused and tired. She tried to talk to him but all he would tell her is that she wouldnt be able to fit into his life. Eventually she picked herself back up and dried her tears. Closed her heart once again and faced the world. She still didnt understand, but it didnt mean she was done living. It was time to start learning to live on her own. Maybe that was it. Maybe all she had was herself. Maybe there was only her. Maybe when people saw her they saw the damaged goods. If this was the case then maybe she was meant to be alone. For who can love someone who was like her.
She set out and got her very first apartment proud and scared to be on her own. She was also back online. She was amazed. People were actually happy to see her back amoungst them. They missed her? She was leery of this. She still spent countless hours on the phone with her friend Tsianni who helped her try to focus to get over her hurt. She was scared. Then when she was ready to face the world once more it crashed again. A friend came up to her and said to her that she must speak to her in the name of friendship. She needed to be honest with her and tell her something. She told her how she had slept with her boyfriend and how she had done it because he was sad and lonely. How she felt bad for him and wanted to take his sadness away. She said how she still cared about her but she just wanted to make him feel better and that the young woman wasnt there to ease his pain. She ended it with hoping that she would understand and forgive her. The young woman was shell shocked. She didnt know what to think. Then to make matters worse one by one her friends came forward with the truth. Each of them had done the same. The truth dawned on her. It wasnt that she couldnt fit into his life. It was once again like with her husband she just wasnt good enough all around. She felt hurt and depressed. She ran away to her friend Tsianni's, who took her in. Slowly she picked up her life again and got back out in the world. Some of her friends she forgave and in fact became closer to. Others she withdrew from and could not bring herself to go near. Him... Him she couldnt bear the thought of.
The circle of life turned and life began once again for her. She began to laugh once more and to smile. Her friends drew her out and made her remember how to enjoy life. But through all this she was still afraid. Afraid she would fail again. Then one day it happened. She met someone. He had a sparkle about him. A twinkle in his eye. He made her want to grab him and hold on tight. She was desperate to try and afraid that if she did she would fail. She tried to warn him away. She told him she would fail him. Why not she always had before. From the very begining she had failed everyone hadnt she? She wanted that sparkle so badly. He refused to leave. She was afraid to hope. Afraid to believe. What if she did and he did walk away? What then? Every time he looked at her she felt butterflies. Every time he touched her she felt like she was on fire. Her skin electrified. Every time he spoke her heart speed up. She had never felt this before and it scared the hell out of her. She knew that if she didnt behave if she didnt give if she didnt do all that he asked he would leave. So she began to do as she did before. She behaved as she had all her life. In all her countless situations. Hoping that he would see how she felt and understand. Was this finally it? She knew that what she felt was like nothing she felt before. It was scary the idea of loosing it. She didnt understand it. She knew that when she closed her eyes she saw him and when she woke she couldnt wait to hear his voice. She also knew it was only time till he knew. Till he woke up one day and saw the truth. She would fail and in fact she did.
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