How is it the past haunts us so much. It affects us so greatly in what we do and say. How we view our lives and those around us? How we see the world, whether in its beauty of colors or in shades of grey. Let me tell you a tale. A tale of a girl who wanted a rainbow and believed in fairies only to have it ripped away.
There was this young girl who lived in a sunny state with her parents. She was an inquistive child. Tended to find mischief in all sorts of corners. She liked to climb trees. She tried to make strawberry pancakes out of nestle quick and pancake mix when all were sleeping. She ate a whole bottle of flinstone vitamins on a dare. She believed in monsters. She would sit up at night and watch monster movies with her father. There was one person in her life she was very afraid of and that was her mother. Her father would leave often on his trips. He was a musician. Her mother would have parties during this time in which strangers would come to live. There would be loud music, drugs and drinking. This young girl, of no older then 4 would take care of her brothers, feeding and changing their diapers. There were times when while her father was gone her mother would leave also. To where the young girl did not know.
One day the young girl, her brothers, and her parents moved to NY the home of her parents. She met her grandmother. Her grandmother did not like the young girl. She never knew why till she grew up. They lived in a small motel room all together in New Paltz across from the bar where her father played. During the day when her father practiced he would bring her with him. The owner of the bar was a very nice man who would let her sit at the bar and have soup. This was her favorite time of day. She did not like at night. For when night came she would have to stay in the motel room with her mother, who would get high and do things to the little girl. She never told anyone what her mother did because her mother told her that this was normal and she was helping her mommy feel better.
When she was six years old a man came and took the little girl and her two brothers away to what they called a foster home. She did not understand why. She was just told that this was her new family. This wasnt a big surprise to her for growing up she had lots of people her mother had told her was her family. Alot of uncles and aunts. Times her mother would leave her with them and she wouldnt see her for weeks. Then one day her father would find her. She figured this was the same thing. That one day her father would find her. The people who were bringing her said no. Her father would not be coming to get her at all. That her mother and father were getting divorced. The little girl did not know what this meant, but she just nodded and went to check on her brothers. When she arrived at the big yellow house with the horses she was surprised. She knew her new mother! This was her gym teacher. It made her very happy. Mrs. Petrocelli had often given her lunch and Mr. Petrocelli had always been nice to her at school. She gave them a big hug. The took her brothers from the man and lady which scared her because she didnt know where they were going with them. Mrs. Petrocelli let her see that she had a nice room just for them. She looked around wondering where her bed was? Was she to sleep on the floor? Mrs. Petrocelli smiled at the little girl and took her hand leading her down stairs into a nice room. It had a dresser with a pretty lamp and a doll on it. It had a toybox with toys in it! it had shelves with books! and a pretty bed with a strawberry shortcake blanket and a strawberry shortcake doll laying on it. She looked at the doll hopefully. Mrs. P told the little girl this was her room and left her in it. She sat in there and just held the doll. Was Mrs. P magic? She still needed to take care of her brothers though and when they cried that night, just like a good girl, she got out of bed walked upstairs, changed their diapers and fed them their bottles. She didnt know that Mrs. P watched her do this from the doorway. She grew to love Mrs. P and Mr. P very much and didnt want to hurt them. Her mother and father never wanted to see her. She would go to the building for visits and they never came. Her and her brothers would sit for what seemed like forever playing with toys but they never came. She didnt understand what was wrong with her. She was taking care of her brothers. She was behaving. She was taking her medicine. Why didnt her mother and father want her? Then the grandfather started to take the little girl out to the fields where the wildflowers would grow. He told the little girl she was to never tell but that sitting in his lap was not a bad thing. That what he did was because he loved her and she was a beautiful little girl. Besides didnt she want to stay there with them forever? She wanted this very much.
It wasnt to happen though. A year and a half passed and the little girl grew taller. One day the man and the woman came to speak to Mrs and Mr. P. The little girl was told to go outside and play for a while. A little while later she was brought back in and sat down at the table. The man and the woman had left. Mrs. P was crying and Mr. P looked very angry. They had alot of papers in front of them. They asked the little girl if she remembered when they talked to her about adoption. She smiled and said yes. They then explained to her that it was no longer possible for them to do this. That her mother was asking for her and her brothers back. The little girl was confused. Her mother? But she hadnt seen her mother in over a year. Why would her mother want her back now. She shook her head no. She didnt want to go back. She said to them that she would be good. She would try harder. She would help clean up the house. She would make her bed better. Mrs. P cried harder. The little girl was very upset and was screaming. Mr. P held her for a while till she stopped. The little girl grew very quiet and in the upcoming weeks didnt talk much. When the man and the woman came to get the little girl and her brothers she sat in the car crying staring at the big yellow house as they drove away.
Upon arriving at her new home they walked up the stairs of a green house and nocked on the door. A woman with bright yellow hair answered and very loudly kissed her and said how happy she was to have her back. The little girl looked at her and nodded. She helped the man and the woman bring her brothers stuff in. When the man and woman left a new man came in. His name was Rob. Her mother said this was her new father. The little girl was confused and said but she already had a father. Her mother got angry with the little girl and took away the pretty perfumes Mrs. P had given her telling her that until she learned to mind her mother and father she could not have them back. Her baby brother began to cry at all the loud noise. He was only 2. The new man picked up her baby brother and started to spank him. He spanked him hard and in doing so chipped his baby tooth on the edge of the table. The little girl grew very upset seeing him bleeding but Rob did not stop. The little girl ran over to Rob and started yelling at him to stop pulling on his hands. Rob promplty slapped the little girl sending her across the room. He stood up and took off his belt and said to her mother that the little girl needed to learn to mind her elders. He told the little girl to take off her clothes. The little girl was dizzy from hitting the wall but did as she was told. Later that night hurting from the beating she lay in bed on the floor. She had been sent to bed without dinner. She cried very quietly so as not to let them hear her as they had friends over. She smelled the perfume Mrs. P had given her that her mother was wearing and also a weird smell coming from the strange things that was making smoke. She missed Mrs. P and Mr. P. She wanted to go home. She knew she had to protect her brothers and look after them. Mrs. P and Mr. P would want that.
The next day school started and she got up to get ready. her mother brushed her hair but it hurt as her head was still tender from it hitting the wall. She cried out several times as the brush went through her hair. Unfortunatly this woke Rob and he got up and slapped her. The little girl began to cry. Her mother took her out of the house and on the way to school told her to stop crying. She told her that ti was her own fault that she should never have cried out. She woke him up and now she has learned a lesson. She also told her that it was her responsiblty to help look after her brothers. That she was a big girl. The little girl looked at her mother and nodded quietly afraid to make a noise. She went to school but didnt talk to anyone. The children thought she was weird. They stayed away from her so she didnt make any friends. But this was ok as she didnt stay in this school very long. So began her life. When rob and her mother became angry with her brothers the little girl stepped in. Her mother learned to hide the little girls scars and bruises on her legs and back through bleach baths. When she was 8 her mother and Rob went away for the weekend taking her brothers with them. They left the house filled with strangers adn told the little girl she was in charge. To make sure the strangers did not drink all the milk or eat all the eggs. The little girl being little used the time they were gone to play outside. Something she hadnt done ina very long time. She still had a streak of daring in her. She wasnt afraid of doing what the boys did and she got hurt. She ended up with a bloody right eye. Unfortunatly she did not follow the directions of her mother. When they came home the house was a mess and the milk all drank and the eggs gone. the little girl was beaten till bloody and made to wash the floor with a tooth brush and to stay up all night washing all the dishes in the house. She begged her mother to let her go to sleep. Her mother said no she needed to learn to be responsible. She couldnt see out of her eye. When she started to fall asleep at the sink her mother would come in and make her walk around the house till she woke up. After that it was once again time to move. In the next place she became afraid to go out at night. One night while coming home with her mother someone tried to shoot them. It turned out her mother forgot to pay someone some money she owed and they were giving a warning. The little girl was always afraid of the dark after that night.
They moved 6 times. The final time was to a big house. This house had a washing machine and dryer so the little girl thought she didnt have to wash the clothes in the tub anymore or hang the clothing outside in the winter time. This was not so. Her mother said the washing machine and dryer were for lazy people. Unfortunatly for the little girl the house had big hard wood floors also. which meant always sweeping and washing them by hand and when she was bad and needed a lesson learned washing with a toothbrush. The beatings continued as did the slamming into the walls. One day the little girl decided to try to take the candy her mother always took. She knew where her mother hid them. Her mother was always happy after she took them. Her mother was asleep downstairs passed out from drinking. Rob wasnt home. She went upstairs to her mothers bedroom and opened the top drawer. She took out the little round tin from under her mothers underthings. Opening it up she found a variety of colors. Some blue some pink some yellow and some white. She wanted to be happy so she took one of each. She was ten years old. She became very sick and started to throw up and shake. Her mother heard the noise and stumbled upstairs to find the little girl on the floor of her room and the pills next to her. She began to scream at the little girl which made the little girl cry and shake harder. Her mother locked the little girl in her bedroom and gave her a pan to throw up in. She piled blankets on her and brought her glasses of water. She called the school and informed them that the little girl would be out of school for several days due to the flu. The little girl did get better in about a week, but when she did she was punished for eating her mothers candy. Another time her mother was convinced the little girl had snuck her cigarettes. She didnt realize the little girl couldnt stand the smell of them. They gave her headaches. She made the little girl sit down and smoke three packs then dragged her by her hair and threw her outside to sit all night in the cold. One day at school the little girl's principle brought her down to talk to her. There was another lady plus the nurse there. They talked to the little girl about the bruises on her arms and how the little girl always flinched when someone touched her back or head. How the little girl had no friends and didnt talk to other children. They told the little girl they could help her if she needed help. She thanked them and went back to class.
That night the phone rang. She picked up the phone to hear a mans voice. She said hello and the man said Shannon? The little girl said yes? The man replied with This is your daddy! The little girl was shocked and said hi. The man on the phone proceeded to tell her she had a new baby brother named christopher. The little girl said oh. Her mother heard the girl talking on the phone and demanded to know who she was talking to. The little girl replied "Daddy". Her mother snatched the phone and hung it up. Grabbing the little girl by her hair dragged her over to the floor and pushed her down. She gave her a pencil and paper and told her to write five hundred times that her father was dead. The little girl was afraid so did as her mother told her to. Upon finishing her task her mother told her to rip up the papers into tiny bits. She did this. When she was finished with that her mother then told her to say that Rob was her father. The little girl hated Rob. She shook her head no. Her mother stood up and smacked the little girl sendign her into a table. She repeated her order. The little girl still said no. Her mother smacked the little girl repeatedly demanding she say what she wanted her to. Finally her mother told the little girl to go up to her room that her father would deal with her when she came home. The little girl walked up the stairs slowly because everything was spinning. When she got to her room she left the door open so she could see as she had no light. Her lights had been taken away along time ago as punishment. She didnt want to sit there in the dark. Her mother heard her and came upstairs and closed her door, pushing a chair under the door knob so the little girl couldnt open it. The little girl curled up in the dark and waited. She talked to herself and told her self stories in order to not be afraid. She brought out her pretend side where she was a super hero and could fly away from here. She didnt know how long she was there but when the door turned she knew what was coming. Rob came in with a lamp and told her to get undressed. The little girl who was now 11 did as she was told and stood before him naked. He took off his belt and told her to walk around him in a circle. He proceeded to hit her with the belt as she did as she was told crieing as it hit her. This lasted for about an hour. After it was done the little girl decided she was going to run away.
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