Little Girl Lost Part 3

The next several years were to be the same. One home after another. It all started with leaving Mr. and Mrs. P. She didnt blame them. She was the one who was bad. She was the one who left shaun behind. She let them down. How could they not not want her. The new home was Mrs. and Mr. Smith. This was a home for teenagers. by this time the young girl was now in junior high. She was fairly quiet. Liked to read. Wasnt outgoing like the other girls in the house. Wanted to please Mr. and Mrs. Smith so willingly did her chores. She still didnt go outside alot. She wasnt used to it. years of being locked up inside a house made her afraid to journey far outside. She took her medicine so she didnt have to have seizures. This was also the time she got braces. This was a nice house. She really liked them. They werent Mr. and Mrs. P but they were very nice. It wasnt to last though. She was there for a year and a half when they took in another foster child who wasnt very nice. They asked for her to be removed and upon having this girl removed she accused them of awful things. Social Services had to investigate and promptly took out everyone. So off we go to another home.

During all these years of growing she still continued to take care of her brothers. Both boys were back with her mother and as she grew she took on jobs at the malls. She would go back to her mother's house when she had time off and give her mother money and clean up the house. No one knew what she was doing. No one knew she bought food for the house. Everyone thought she blew money on junk. She prefered that. She was ashamed that she was not there to take care of her brothers herself. They were her responsiblty and she was living somewhere else.

Because now she is a teenager there isnt many homes that wanted her. She bounced around alot from one temporary home to another. There was never any place that was a permanent home. a weekend here 6 weeks here. 4 months there. Then she ended up in a temporary place in a town called Saugerties. It wasnt a nice place, but Social Services said they were running out of temporary homes and they needed to place her here while they waited for one to open up. This was during the summer time that she was 15. The foster mother had a male friend who molested the young girl. The young girl told her case worker what happened and she was removed. They put her in a group home while they waited for a home to open. She was with kids her own age and it was more like a camp then a home. She waited adn waited. Finally after several weeks they came to move her again. To a foster home again in Saugerties. This time it was to be a permanent placement. While she was there after she started school, she happened to be looking through the phone book. She came across her last name. She thought that was odd and wondered if they were related to her. She decided to call them on a dare from her foster sisters. It turned out to be her great uncle Greg. Her grandfather's brother. He came that weekend to pick her up and brought her to meet her grandfather. Her grandfather called her aunt, his youngest daughter, her father's sister. The next thing she knew she was removed from the foster home and was living with her aunt and uncle and their children. She thought she had finally found a family. Unfortunatly her grandfather blamed her for her father's actions. He detested his own son. He hated her mother. Her uncle wanted nothing to do with her. The young girl withdrew once more into herself and became quiet. She spent alot of time down by the creek reading and writing. She didnt understand school and had a hard time with math. The teachers understood and explained that if she had stayed in one school she would have had a more comprehensive understanding of math and languages but that she was lacking the fundementals of these. They excused her from these classes and instead let her focus on such classes as music and writing. She had a hard time living in her aunts household but she wanted to very much fit in. She began to buy presents constantly for her aunt and would do what ever chores were set for her. Her uncle still ignored her and wanted nothing to do with her. After about a year the young girl was removed from her aunts and put into a group home. There the young girl had to learn to defend herself. It was either fight or be beaten up. You had no choice. These girls were not small town girls as she was used to. These were girls from inner city places. They were tough and didnt understand a girl who enjoyed sports, reading and writing. To them a girl who dressed differently and talked differently needed to be weeded out. The young girl began to have panic attacks and shake at night. Finally she was allowed to go back to her aunt's house but it was still not a stable environment. When she was in twelth grade she was removed again. This time only for about three months. But those three months included graduation. The young girl stood up there as she graduated surrounded by her classmates and their families with no one there to congratulate her. No one to cheer her on and she felt lonely.

Her father, who told her how much he wanted her and how much he loved her said come on out to Tacoma Washington and live with him and her new stepmother. She jumped at the chance. Once again she was being offered a chance at a new life. Someone cared. Could this be it? Could it finally be happening? So she packed all her stuff that she could in a garbage bag, grabbed a pillow, snuck out of the house while it was dark and got a ride to the bus station. She was off on a real adventure. She was off to get a real family. Finally someone who wanted her. It took three days to get there. When she stepped off the bus her father said she looked so much like her grandmother. It made her feel special.

Her father gave her her own room and told her that he had always wanted her. He told her about all these memories of when she was a little girl. He then told her that tonight it was her night and fixed drinks in celebration. She felt like such a grown up having her first drink. Most of her other friends had already had alcohal by her age and here she was at 19 having her first drink. He had also invited over a young gentleman around her age named Michael. The two of them hit it off. They began to date. Unfortunatly the young girl did not know that the birth control she was on was not working with her epilepsy medicine. She became pregnant. She told her father who told her he would support her and her decision. She told Michael who said they were getting married. She told him no. Her father told her yes she was and that she wasnt to big for him to "spank" She promptly moved out. She knew she couldnt do it on her own and she was very afraid. She had been accepted to washington state university and had wanted to go so bad and now felt like everything was ruined. She didnt know who to turn to or where to go. She did the only thing she could think of. She called her aunt. She was to ashamed to call Mrs. P. Her aunt told her to come home. They would figure it all out when she got there. She sent her a bus ticket home and so began the long journey back.

Upon ariving home she was welcomed. Everyone seemed happy to see her. She had been gone for six months. It seemd she had been missed. That evening though she was sat down after everyone had gone to bed and her aunt told her that she couldnt stay there. That her uncle felt that it would be a bad influence if she was here pregnant. That once she had the child that was a different story but to be pregnant around his teen age daughter was not something he wanted. She then told me how she had talked to Social Services and the two of them would be going down there tomorrow. That they had worked out a plan for the young girl. The young girl went to bed that night and cried.

The next day she got up got dressed and went with her aunt to social services. Sitting down she learned that she was to be placed in custody of the state until she was 21 and that she was also going to be living in a group home for pregnant teenagers upstate. so 19 years old pregnant alone and scared and she was once again being shoved into a group home. The next afternoon her aunt drove her to Albany and dropped her off. She didnt stay and she didnt see her again for about two years. She was the oldest girl living in the group home. All the other girls were inner city children from NYC. All were of the ages 12-14. They had school during the day so she was left alone with no one but herself. She spent alot of time walking in parks, reading and writing. Nothing that she didnt ever do before. Unfortunatly when she was about 8 months pregnant she ended up with a new roommate who thought, due to her seizures, she was possessed. She tried to kill her repeatedly. They had to remove the girl to a hospital after she came after the young girl with a knife in the kitchen. The group home was also an adoption agency and they tried to encourage the young girl to consider adoption. The young girl, never having had a family thought of this baby as someone to love. Someone who would finaly love her. She refused. The home decided to try to scare her. The took her to a shelter and told her this is where she will be living when she has the baby. That once she gives birth she must leave the group home promptly that she can not come back to the group home. She became very afraid because she had no where to go. A woman who worked at the group home took pity on the young girl and said to her that she could coem stay with her. They became friends. She helped the young girl prepare for the new life that was about to come into her life.

When she gave birth and left the group home for her new home she thought this is it. THis is my new start on life. Unfortunatly what she did not know is that the woman really wanted was the baby. She had lost a child of her own two years before. She looked upon the young girls baby as a replacement for that lost one. She helped the girl get into college but she did not let the girl take care of the baby and excluded her from her life. When the young girl met a young man while in college and began to date him she and him seemed to hit it off. They became serious and moved in together. She finally had her family. He asked her to marry him and she said yes. Unfortunatly what she didnt know is he was in love with someone else. That she was to always come in second place. The woman he was in love with was dating his friend. She had no interest in him. Her heart was broken. She had placed her trust in him. As the years went by her depression grew. She tried to make him happy but all the old fears came back. She withdrew more and more. He didnt talk to her and when he did it was to constantly correct her whether it was her speech or what she did. She couldnt seem to do anythign right and felt like an utter failure at everything. He didnt like her to try different cooking. He didnt like her changing the house around. He didnt like her changing her hair. He didnt like her changing her clothing style. He didnt like her changing the childrens hair. He didnt like her touching him in public. He didnt like her touching him at night unless he instigated such touch. He felt she couldnt understand even the simplest conversation so why talk to her about it. She would beg him to talk to her and he woudl tell her but i dont have anything to talk about and then get on the phone with his friends for hours. She began to hide. Their oldest daughter saw how her father talked to their mother and treated her the same. When she went to him and said this was happening he told her to grow up stop being a child. She began to act out to gain his attention. She figured that since doing nice things and buying him gifts, cooking him dinner dressing pretty none of that worked, lets act obnoxious. Sure enough he noticed her. Finally. So the fighting began. Yelling matches. But at least he was talking to her. At least he saw her. She was no longer invisible. He couldnt pretend she wasn there and go off to wish that she was the other woman. He had to pay attention to her.

Then one day a friend told her about this game called Second Life. She convinced her to give it a try. This friend knew how unhappy she was and what was going on in her life as she had spent hours on the phone with her crying. So she downloaded the program and made an account. She was amazed. Here she could just be herself. No one need know her past. No one need know her pain. No one need know her shame. She could just be. She acted bouncy and laughed and smiled. This made people happy. She saw this and continued. This was a good thing so keep it up and she would actually have friends. One day a man approached her. He showed interest in her. This floored her. It also worried her. He told her how he had checked her out. how he had seen her pictures on her guild site from her old game. How he thought she was beautiful. No one had ever said she was beautiful. He started to ask her to go out places with him and paying attention to her. No one ever paid attention to her. He wanted to be with her all the time. This amazed her. She soaked it up. He knew she was more then just an AV. He never ever called her by her avitar name. He called her by her real name always. She was a real person. What would happen when it went away? He insisted she write him from work. She call him on the way to work. She call him at lunch. She call him on the way home from work. she text him through out the day. she talk to him on gmail and email. She rp with him at night. even when he had her collared and would cage her in front of people and leash her in front of people she allowed it. What would happen when he no longer paid attention. What if it all went away? She would once again be alone! This scared her. The more he wanted from her the more she gave. Anything and everything. If he said jump she jumped. If he said sit she sat. What ever it was he needed she went out of her way to give. When she was told she wasnt supporting him emotionally she worried and worked harder to do so. She worked hard to please him for this made him happy and therefore he would want her. She didnt understand that he never actually wanted her though. She never knew that it was all a game. She didnt know that she was being used. How could she know.

The time came when her real life ended and she moved to NC per his request. He said he wanted to begin a RL with her. She believed him. She wanted to believe in him. He knew so much about her. Had gone out of his way to learn about her before she knew him. She thought this was truly finally her happily ever after. She came to NC with stars in her eyes and dreams. She was moving in once more with her father. He had offered her a room to stay in till she got on her feet. When she got down here though it all began to fall apart. She couldnt get online right away, and when she could it was sporadic as it was a phone connection and not cable. His phone calls started to drop away and he was no longer returning calls. He stopped texting her. When he did call her he was very curt on the phone to her and tell her he didnt think she could handle life. That she wouldnt make it. Where before he had been encouraging and demanding now he was distant and cutting. Once again she felt her world fall to pieces. She didnt understand. How could things change so drastically. There was no warning. Nothing to tell her that this was coming. She didnt understand what she did wrong. How could this happen. She once again fell into depression and became withdrawn. Her two friends who kept her going at the time were Johnny and Tsianni. Both would call and talk to her. Both constantly checked up on her. Both worried about her. She just wanted to hide from the world. She was 35 years old and she was tired. She was tired of trying. So very tired of trying. Tired of trying and failing over and over and over. Was there no one out there who could love her?